I miss you beyond my ability to describe. This is my 2nd Mother's Day without you here, and I would give up everything to have one more of anything with you. I would love if you were here lying right here in the bed next to me and we could just talk about nothing and everything. I never fully realized how blessed I was to have a woman of faith, grace and wisdom to call mom. You were the kind of mother that I could share absolutely anything with and have no second thoughts - no fear of judgment, no ulterior motive, gossip, slander, offense, no setting me straight or giving me a sermon when I am simply acknowledging feelings. You knew when I just needed a listening ear and when I needed a lecture.
I miss you so much it's numbing. I never knew I could feel so low, so lifeless, so angry or so conflicted. I know what the word says. You taught me God's word. If another person slaps as scripture over my unacknowledged feelings this month I might scream. I know where you are. I know God is sovereign. I know you're "in a better place" but I also know my heart still aches, I'm still screaming on the inside despite the smiles, thought stopping and pep talks. I've heard everything these past 23 months from, “You're so strong I don't see how you shared that" to "You need to get over it, she's gone.” I wanted to slap that person, in my mind. Of course I didn't, but I did start praying out loud.
We are not taught how to handle people that are grieving. We don't know what to do with grief. So we cover it up, sit it on the shelf and try to ignore it. I can remember moments when you would, out of the blue, just start crying so hard saying," I miss my mama!” I didn't get it AT ALL. I'd feel bad, but in the back of my mind I'd think, “Grandma's been gone a long, long time and she's crying like she just passed today.” I feel so bad for thinking this. I get it now, and I'm sure one day my children will think the same when I'm head down at the kitchen table bawling my eyes out in front of them over you.
You were the best mother to me. I honor you and thank God for your memory. You made me aspire to be a mom. Those that truly know me know how much I adore children. In all of my grief in missing moments we shared what hurts the most is knowing you won't be here for moments that have yet to happen - when I have the twins. I just know I'm going to have twins! :) It doesn't feel right to know I won't have your wisdom to guide me, support to lean on and you kind-hearted ear to listen when that time comes and I have no idea what I'm doing. You were the best grandmother to Jay, Alex, Malia and baby Bryan. I'm so grateful for all the times we shared and pray God will give me more faith and more wisdom to move through all the moments we won't get to share together. You are forever in my heart. Your legacy lives on in me, and I'm grateful to celebrate your memory today and always.
Until we see each other again,
Happy Mother's Day!